Experiencing the sacttertude

So, "scattertude" isn't a word. More, it hasn't anything to do with what I'm on about today either. It just came to me while thinking about my past & how -- maybe because I'm such an old man now -- the changes in my personality & desires in life continue to insinuate themselves. I was listening to KEXP, as I usually do in the morning...to be honest, I don't listen to any other station here in Seattle. The others suck. Really.

In any case, a song I've never heard by Beck, Bogus Flow, on the DGC Rarities release, came on. It reminded me a great deal of Dylan. I liked it. But one of the lines sounded a bit (though I knew it wasn't) like it ended with this non-word. Hence, the title.

I really don't understand my feelings. There was a time when I couldn't care less what others thought of me or if anyone meant anything to me. I'm sure I'd hurt some, though there was no intent in doing so. It just didn't matter. I could sail from one friendship or love to another rather easily. I'm not saying that I didn't pine for women. Unrequited love has come my way many times. I also can't say that I didn't experience pain at not being "wanted", or for the end of relationships. I was much more interested, though, in the journey & the next step.

These days, I find myself actually desiring all types of love. Oh, my mind certainly rebels at such a thought. It seems almost repugnant to think I -- the Misanthrope, the Blasphemer, the hater of all sentiment -- could possibly want real friendship & love. But as honesty has so long meant more to me than fleeting human emotions, I have to be honest with myself as well. It pains me to do so.

Particularly of late, my friendship with one person has opened my eyes. We'd met many, many years ago in San Francisco. Never had I thought would any former lover become such an important part of me. More, she's not just shown me how to love others simply for what & who they are, she's brought me into her circle. I'm now meeting some of her friends.

While the great fortune I feel knowing this woman brings me a happiness I've never known, I feel that fortune doubled by having met & corresponding with two of her friends who live in Nevada. Each is painfully intelligent & challenging, as well as being incredibly talented. I consider their entering my life gifts, for which I am thankful to she who'd brought them into my life, as well as each of these two unique women in the deserts of Nevada.

Of course, I've no idea if our friendships will -- or can grow. I doubt I take any great part in their thoughts -- I've never had that great an ego. But I feel good about each of them now. I certainly hope we're able to sustain & grow, but that lies in the unknowable. These three women are friends right now, & now is all any of us has.

Anyway, all rambling aside, I haven't the mental aptitude to really understand any of this. I know only that I feel richer for knowing these women -- one of whom I think I could.... I'll leave that. Never know, any one of them might read this & think me the greatest loser they've ever met. I've said it before: I'm no great catch. But we wouldn't want to blow any possibility before it manifested, would we?

Damn. Yet another blog entry leading nowhere. And people keep telling me that I'm a good writer. I just don't get it.

Hey, can someone help me out here? I used to have something of an edge....