My Mystical Life

Prompted by a misunderstood joke I'd made to my best friend who'd retaliated by indirectly accusing me of repeating past patterns, as well as my oldest friend having sent me an article by Isaac Bonewits -- a man who, like me, had read, perhaps, a great deal more than he should & whom I'd met on more than one occasion many years ago in San Francisco & who reminds me of my own failings -- has led to my thinking about the differences between my past life & this new one in which I find myself.

I was raised, at my dear grandmother's insistence, a good Catholic boy. That's right, your intrepid, wandering fool, was baptized into the Catholic Church. While my memories of this period are primarily of the fact that after catechism I got to spend the whole of the day with my beloved grandmother, I still remember a profound confusion over the whole study & worship of Jesus. He seemed nothing more -- even to my child's mind -- than a conglomeration, a fictionalization, of a number of prophets, so-called, of that period known as "biblical times". I have since, though, realized that while the Church stands behind a male figure, xianity is really worshiping the Mother, the Goddess figure, in their practice.

This realization had been a long time coming. While I bill myself as "the most pagan Zen Buddhist you'll ever meet", I really am referring to something entirely different than these words imply. But this would lead to my explaining the truth behind all mysticism, the Great Secret, & my Zen simply won't allow me to be so arrogant as to assume others either don't know this "secret", or to lead anyone "astray".

When I was approximately ten years old -- having been a lover of rather adult concepts (Shakespeare's tragedies & sonnets being my favourite works in print -- when I found myself fortunate enough to find the school library had an entire, very tall, book case dedicated to the subjects of Satanism, witchcraft & the history of witchcraft. All this year in school, every week, I would check out the maximum number of books one was allowed (I think that number was twenty) from this very book case. I would, in addition to my usual homework, pour over each & every word of these books.

Needless to say -- due to my inquisitiveness -- the next year at school, I'd found that this case had been cleaned of each title I'd previously checked out. Did this deter me? Certainly not. I was hungry for knowledge of things unacceptable, but I did have to satisfy my thirst with titles of a more religious, albeit comparative, nature.

Over the following years & after moving to San Jose California, I'd begun studying books particularly of a more mystical bent. One can only learn so much from the lay texts written about religious practice. It was some years later, in college, that I'd begun -- due to an acute attraction to Asian women -- studying the works of Buddhism. This started with titles claiming to be the words of Gautama Buddha.

I'd continued studying, following the Boddhisattva's paths, into China & the mingling of Buddhism with Taoism, all the way to a more modern approach by the various schools of Zen in Japan. After reading a number of books of the teachings of Japanese Zen Masters, I'd found a book by a Chinese Master who had taught in Japan. This was Master Huang Po. His teachings alone are those which got me to finally sit down & meditate.

Having accepted Huang Po's view of Zen, I still continued studying mysticism & magic. I had read many references to Aleister Crowley, but till acting in a short play written by my oldest friend mentioned above, & needing a set of Tarot cards as a prop, I'd not studied any Crowley. From the minute I'd cracked Crowley's Book of Thoth I was astounded at the clarity & command of English of this writer.

Naturally, whether Crowley really possessed any occult knowledge or not, I have been heavily influenced by his work & Thelemic -- Thelema being the philosophy he'd expounded -- thought, that the aspect of Godhead referred to as the Goddess is what drives me. As evidenced, I have read countless books on all forms of religion & mysticism, both good & bad. Like technical manuals, all too many of these authors had little idea how to actually write, & all too many pretended to possess the knowledge they claimed to possess.

My point is that being influenced by the Goddess, or the feminine form of Godhead, rather forces one to be introspective, as opposed to forcing one's beliefs on others. I am no better than any one -- despite my supposed intelligence.

A few years ago, I had extricated myself from an eight-year relationship with a woman whom I had, for many of the years we were together, loved quite dearly. This relationship had taken each of us in many directions -- in the end, entirely different ones. I had known for some time that I was entering a new life, of sorts. A direction I would never have guessed or previously considered seeking. She too had somewhere to go, but that was not my concern, let alone business.

Like a newborn, I was cast forth into a harsh & unfamiliar world. While I still hold on to some old friendships -- friendships I cherish -- I have met & made connections to some few incredibly fantastic people -- people I will either remember or hold on to, should they allow me to do so, for as long as I can take breath. I am now, I think -- by way of comparison -- in the teen years of my Path to catch up, if you will. A new life of love I've never known, yet still learning & growing. It is all so foreign to me. I only hope these old & new friends can stand me long enough.

And now, after having returned to an old "stomping ground" & found it, like NYC, to not be the city I'd once known -- just as I am no longer who I once was -- I seek to move on. One of the long loved, & one of the new loves in my life & I have been discussing life in a place I had never -- would never in past have -- considered. I have lived in such an environment, the desert, before, & I had grown up not too very far from this new city. The first had lived there before, the latter lives there now. Even my eldest sister, who also had lived there, tells me that this is where I should be.

I feel the Goddess is on the verge, regardless of the present difficulties, of drawing me to my new life. I certainly intend to yield to Her call & take up my new life & self in this place, but ever the doubter, I continue searching within myself for meaning to all life's twists.