Think! -- Philosophy 101

Philosophy 101

My philosophies:

"...I'm the enemy. 'Cause I like to think. I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with a side order of gravy fries? I want high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese, okay? I wanna smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've seen the future. You know what it is? It's a forty-seven year old virgin sitting around in his beige pyjamas drinking a broccoli-banana shake singing 'I'm an Oscar Meyer wiener'."
-Dennis Leary

Yes, I eat meat. I love it, & I'm going to eat it till the day I die. Yes, I smoke. I love it, & I don't give a damn that It'll make me die.
-Me

"I still went to church regularly, though, until I was eighteen years old. Then suddenly, the light bulb went on over my head. All the mindless morbidity & discipline was pretty sick -- bleeding this, painful that, & no meat on Friday. What is this shit?"
-Frank Zappa

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6.00pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
-Church Bulletin Blooper

Ushers will eat late comers.
-Church Bulletin Blooper

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
-Woody Allen

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
-Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on Chlordane.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
-Church Bulletin Blooper

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.
-Former Vice-President Dan Quayle

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.00am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship hall after the BS is done.
-Church Bulletin Blooper

"If you love god, burn a church."

"...balance the budget? Tax religion."

All religions make me wanna throw up.
All religions make me sick.
All religions make me wanna throw up.
All religions suck.

-Jello Biafra

The Rev Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
-Church Bulletin Blooper

"Christ rode on an ass, but now asses ride on Christ."
-Heine

"The office of president is a bastardised thing, half royalty and half democracy, that nobody knows whether to genuflect or spit."
-Jimmy Breslin

Mrs Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
-Church Bulletin Blooper

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

-Albert Einstein

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."
-Church Bulletin Blooper

"Author: A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting generations to come."
-Montesquieu

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs Crutchfield and Mrs Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. Next Sunday Mrs Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
-Church Bulletin Bloopers

"All that Communism needs to make it successful is someone to feed and clothe it."
-'Columbia Record'

"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."
-Porterfield

"The Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it."
-William Gibson

"Artificial intelligence will never be a match for natural stupidity."
-Anon

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-Church Bulletin Blooper

Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
-Woody Allen

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge.... Up yours."
-Church Bulletin Blooper

"All great truths begin as blasphemies."
-George Bernard Shaw

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
-Church Bulletin Blooper

To die before the harvest, the crops, the grains, fields of rippling wheat...wheat, all there is in life: wheat.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage. To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
But she was so sweet and we just walked in the park and I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you. My brain is my second favourite organ.
I was an English Major myself. Minored in fore-play. It's a one credit course at NYU.
-Woody Allen

Evening Massage - 6.00pm. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
-Church Bulletin Bloopers

- If you want to go back.

See my Links page. | See my Poetry page. | Or my Miscellany page.

And Philosophy 101. | Go to The Archives.

Know What I Mean | & my Fiction page.

Mail me direct:

Last updated: 19-Nov-06