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What's up Meph's ass now?

Dated: 16-Jul-97

I've been driving my girl friend to work Monday through Friday since I'd quit my job just about a month ago to start my own Web mail-order business. No, it's not ready -- need more money, naturally. It goes slowly, but I don't want to talk about that today. Why not? Maybe the hassles of getting into business are nothing compared to the drive to my girl friend's job.

Let me give you an idea of where I am. This is Buffalo New York. No, I'm not from here (the gene pool from which I spring is rather stronger, if you know what I mean), I'd moved out of NYC when that Gehenna finally condescended to let me leave. You see, living in NYC really isn't horrible. It's just misery. Unless one makes no less than $35,000 a year [now, 2001, that amount is quite lower than necessary], one starves. I'm five feet, ten inches tall. While I liked weighing 130-135 pounds, I looked ill or as the emaciated in the photos from Auschwitz or Dachau or any other camp during the Second World War.

So Buffalo is cheap. That's right, I moved here because I can afford to live here without taking it up the ass from some idiot with half the intelligence but twice the wondrous degrees issued by the less than impressive American educational system. That was after that other hell known as California. Oh, I'll get to California in another upload. Wait for it.

Anyway, I drive up Elmwood Avenue & take an expressway, the 190 & the 290 till I get off at the Elmwood exit again (Hey, no lights this way) & hassle with an annoying passage of numerous other roads just to get to a nowhere place called North Tonawanda. Then through more lights, designed with no other purpose than to piss me off, & get her to work. Oh, joy. It's not over -- I get to go back.

All the way there I'm confronted by jackasses who not only want to cut me off, but can't even be bothered to drive so fast as the bloody speed limit. Now I ask you, if you're driving on an expressway, highway, thruway or freeway & look back to see a car coming up on your left at a much greater speed than you're going, do you swerve from the right lane to the left with the only intent of forcing another to abide by your interpretation of the law?

Yesterday I'd not only had this happen three to four times in each direction, but there were no cars behind me when it happened. Worse, the only time this happens is when I'm doing 75mph. Then, after waiting quite calmly for some time for a taxi to get the hell out of the left lane, I decide to pass on the right. Oh, he couldn't be troubled to let me pass on the left, why should the driver so much as consider allowing me to do so on the right? The minute I've got the front of my car to the halfway point, the asshole's starting to enter the right lane.

Being that I'm now fed up with all this crap, I'm not slowing down. Dropping to third gear, I slam my foot down on the gas, being forced more & more to the right & nearly off the road, & get passed the idiot.

My first reaction was to get in front of him & slow way down till I got my point across. But would that really change anything? Assuming I lived through the ordeal (ah, as if I could ever be so lucky), the little shit would likely have followed me & decided we were going to end his inanity with fists. OK But I've got a life. In spite of the fact I have no job & little money, I have shit to do. Washing blood off my hands & out of my clothes takes time (at least the blood letting would be fun).

Addendum: 20-Jul-97

On a lighter note, yesterday, as I was driving the wondrous Elmwood on my way to get my girlfriend from work, I had just passed a church & was slowly moving up behind a car waiting in the ubiquitous traffic. As I was moving up, I saw a priest in the street, apparently waiting for me to pass that he could cross. I passed him & had innocently looked in my rear-view mirror. The priest was now at the centre line in the road. He stood there, a car length behind me, looking directly into my eyes in the rear-view. He then flicked his right hand my direction, extending his middle finger.

Can you imagine, I, having been baptised at a tender age, driving a white car, being flipped off by a representative of the Church? I must say, I feel more complimented by this than if the bloody pope had come & kissed my nimble ass!

Praise be to the Church for the forthrightness of one lone priest extending me honour by the finger! All hail! All hail!

Dated 8-Aug-97

We've all looked for work at various times in our lives. I imagine none of us have enjoyed this. It can be quite a blow to one's self esteem to be continually rejected, but think of the blow to one's intelligence. All too many of these interviewers possess pieces of paper intended only to give them a salary who more often than not are considerably less intelligent. I sit in an office waiting my turn to be told "Thank you. We'll be calling soon." Naturally, they never call. But these idiots don't even realise how very offensive & selfish they are.

Sure, sure. You want a job, you make yourself available, clearing anywhere from one to five hours from your personal schedule, to the beck & call of imbeciles only to find they've wasted not only your time, but also that of the the company for which they work. I've been to many interviews for which there really was no job. Their rational? "Oh, we need to keep up a data base of available people." The trouble with this is that they never bother to return to their data base of available people & that it's rather unlikely these people would be available on the off chance they could get off their fat asses & open the damn file drawer (put the information in a computer? You must be joking -- most people in offices with computers call their help desk or IS department for a problem only to learn that they've not even turned the computer on...duh!).

One would think that since all I'm looking for is part-time work, for which I have an abundance of experience at various types of jobs, that any company would be overjoyed to hire some one horribly over-qualified who won't be getting any insurance. But no. "Oh, dear! He has long hair. He dresses all in black! He's more intelligent than I am." Truly a triple threat. I must be after their jobs -- or their daughters!

For instance, I'd walked into Dunhill Employment Services office a few weeks ago hoping to just get registered. Temp services on both coasts have no problem with this. I get in there to find the office very quiet & only one person filling in an application. The whole place seemed almost empty. The receptionist looks over my resume & goes off to see if some one can see me. When she returns, I'm told that some one will be right with me.

After a few minutes, a woman I won't name walks up & tells me to take one of her cards from the reception desk & call for an appointment.

Uh, I'm standing right in front of her, & she can't set up an appointment...?

Fine, I take the card -- ignoring the fact I'd forewarned them by faxing my resume a week or two before this -- & leave. When I call, some other woman answers the call, puts me on hold, comes back & tells me she's transferring me to the original woman's voice mail. I wonder that the phone number on the card is actually for another representative, but fine, I'm transferred. I leave my message &, now weeks later, have no call-back.

What the fuck is this? Because I won't kiss ass by presenting myself as any other bozo on the street & pretend to be as brain dead as most people I've met in corporate positions, I'm considered unemployable? All I'm looking for is short term shit work. Trust me, there isn't a company in this country organised enough to not have filing & other crap to be done -- & there isn't a temp service without a constant need of such people.

Oh, I get it. I have to dumb down, cut my hair & take it up the ass...or go pump gas for a living.

Dreams

"Sit up," she says in the darkness. With a knowing smile the Magister complies -- next to last Chokmah Day taking form beside him. From behind, Obliqui lightly traces out the Serpent's path against his spine with one hand while the other reaches among the cushions of the altar. Then, slowly, she pulls it from the folds. She fondles it in both hands, savouring her delight. "And now," she says, "the power is mine!" Swift & agile as Adept, the Priestess flays young Magister of his skin, save that where the hair of his head, face & pubic lie. Laughing as a raver, Obliqui renews her earlier spiralling dance about the chamber as the Priest sits bleeding in semi-lotus amidst the now soaked linens of the altar.

"Fool. Fool!, Obliqui cries. "Priest, Master & Magus indeed! Oh, poor Samson, the table's turned. Your delightful Delilah has this time taken your Body & Life & left you with your silly Freedom. You prove your impotence at every turn. Come now, mighty man, pose for me here in the dim light. Entertain me with your knowledge of the unseen & perhaps bring this temple down to ruin. Ha! All that you had is now mine. Remain there on the altar as only the Ibis Headed One can. You are only the worthless worm in moribund embrace!"

A silence falls over the chamber. In the thick atmosphere the Priestess stands with mocking expression. In one swift movement the Magister rises to his feet -- Obliqui's expression now shifts to disbelief. Slowly, a dolorous sound grows to fevered pitch from the depths of the Magister's very being. The chamber falls away revealing a desert landscape -- waste from horizon to horizon. The moon falls upon the two, lighting two tall minarets, a path & a pack of howling jackals. The knife in Obliqui's hand now falls silently to the soft sand as her hands rush to cover her pained ears. Incredulity & awe cloud her eyes as the Magister steps with assurance to her.

"Sweet Obliqui," he says, "fondest of mine Adepts, it is you who plays the fool; seeking in another the power you already possess, yet deny the offer of those very things you need to control that power." Gesturing to the East, the Magister continues, "Look there, the sun begins to lighten the sky. You & I stand here on this plane while those jackals eat the Qliphothic raiment of my past for a purpose. Indeed it was I who transformed the chamber to this alembic of mind, but it was you who made it possible that I could do this. Watch." The Magister frees Obliqui's blood stained arm & steps away. The first ray of daylight strikes him, bathing him in a golden light, & as it dances in arcs of deep blue & violet over the clotting blood of his form, new flesh begins to appear over the sinews. He turns to Obliqui in radiance, sparks falling from his hair.

"There is also this," the Magister says smiling. "Having understood why Delilah chose to cut Samson's hair in place of that which would indeed have left him the worthless worm, I am confident you will understand this: In allowing me my Freedom, you bind me ever more tightly. My choice is clear, for again -- you make it possible -- I choose you, with or without your skirting & contradictory manner. As I'd told you before, my love -- the magic only now begins."

Miscellany

I

Study is most important particularly during the first steps of what is referred to as the Path. The Path, of course, is life. It does not matter so much how one lives one's life but what one learns (assuming one actually does learn) during this life. Now learning implies progress, but to what is one progressing? Heaven? Hell? These two things are mere states of mind proven by any two or more people in some difficult situation in which one suffers & another takes little or no notice. For instance, one who has become accustomed since childhood to the severe heat of the Sahara would find the bitter cold of northern Alaska a worse Hell than that depicted in the Bible. As one accustomed to the cold of northern Alaska would likely prefer death to the simple summer's airless heat of New York City.

Obviously, one cannot so much as hope to perform intricate mathematical problems without first learning what numbers are & how these numbers interact with one another -- such as how five plus six equals eleven. Therefore, to progress along this or another Path, the student would necessarily find the whole of the process made immensely easier by learning the vocabulary of the Path chosen, then how situations upon that Path interact with definite sets of circumstances. Of course, should one pursue the Path of mysticism, this problem may only present itself if one is under the instruction of a teacher or if one chooses to accept the instruction in books. For the most important practise involved on any Path is that of meditation, or, if you will, prayer; & mysticism does not necessarily require any action beyond this.

There are so many forms of meditation it might take one a lifetime wading through all the books available that one may decide upon that form seeming most suitable. Those which are a part of yoga can be quite beneficial, but as this would require a complete treatment of its own (& the fact I know very little of the practise), I cannot elaborate. I will say this, though -- in addition to helping to awaken the Kundalini, yoga will force one to learn control of both body & mind. These are fundamental in any true practise.

Of all forms of meditation with which I have worked, I have found Zen no-thought meditation to be, generally, of the greatest value. This, in the beginning, is the practise of consciously stopping thoughts as they manifest in the mind. No easy matter for one with no discipline of mind. Difficult as this may be, one learns a great many things while attempting to do so. At some point one realises that stopping thoughts is not the point at all. What one must do is allow thoughts to come & go being only conscious of what the thoughts are & that they have come & gone of their own -- to pay no particular attention to them.

Although meditation is a necessity even in Magick, one must formulate a theoretical foundation. By no means do I imply one study only books touting the words "Occult", "Magick", "Magic", "Black Magic", "White Magic", "Witchcraft", etc. There is philosophy, East & West; fiction (good & bad) of psychological & occult natures; poetry (of the Greeks primarily, though there are great poets throughout all history & ethnicity); science is also very helpful (though often written by authors who have no idea how to keep the reader from becoming bored [not unlike my work]); & of course, religion -- the Bible is also very helpful to those who realise it is not to be taken literally.

Beyond these basics, one must learn the names & attributes of any number of Gods. From a mystic point of view, these attributes are merely aspects of oneself & to define these aspects will in turn lead to the act of refining them within oneself. This is, after all, the whole point of taking up the Path. But in the elementary stages of study it is very important, whether actual or no, to believe in this & that God as GOD with the power His or Her rank confers.

For instance, say I chose to invoke for the writing of this essay. I would not necessarily find the La'res very helpful except to protect me while I am in the actual process of writing because the power of the La'res is limited to that of shrines -- particularly the shrine of the home, the hearth. As my desk is my Altar, the La'res could only keep some negative influence, i.e. money & the lack thereof, from entering the Circle -- the room in which I write, or, my own mind.

If, on the other hand, I invoke the God Thoth, Scribe (Messenger) of the Gods & God of Wisdom, Magic & the Will, Word (Logos); His symbol being the Ankh, I would find my work made much easier. All these symbols attached to the God Thoth: Magic, what (or that) I am writing; the Will, the necessity to write; the Logos (Word of God), the point of my writing; & the Ankh, which, on a lower plane, is a symbol of the sandal strap, being in turn a symbol of the means of progress, make Him an ideal God for my producing this essay.

In addition to intellectual study & the learning of the disciplines by & with meditation, one must also keep an accurate record of all one's magical acts. In this record is what the Aspirant had done before, during & after each operation: Dreams & their interpretations; divinations; situations of an occult or, simply, bizarre nature one experiences during his or her waking & unwaking hours. This is a record which will, combined with the published records of others, show Aspirants their progress. If one has a teacher, the teacher will have to read this record to better serve the student -- the more accurate the record, the better it will serve.

All this elementary study & practise is the foundation of what is referred to as the Pyramid of Initiation. If one perform few of the meditative practises & read only a few books, one would lay a very small foundation & this foundation would support only a small pyramid -- if, after such limited study, one actually did continue building. And worse, should one study only such works as those of AE Waite, one would necessarily build a warped & faulty foundation. Therefore, it becomes a necessity to study just about everything which crosses the Path of the student. All this study will have benefits reaching far further than simply that of one's occult study & practise.

The work of Aleister Crowley is quite advanced, even his elementary treatise on Magick, _Magick in Theory and Practise_, is a difficult work requiring the student read it numerous times to glean AC's meaning, or rather, meanings, as there are different meanings depending upon the intellectual & magical prowess of the student. His work uses philosophy, science, magic, occult, witchcraft, politics, poetry, fiction, etc., in an attempt to elucidate an immensely difficult subject to comprehend. Therefore, immerse thyself in learning, for the more subjects one studies the more easily one may apprehend what we call the Absolute.

- If you want to go back.

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Last updated: 19-Nov-06

*All material © by Angus Fergusson 1997-2006.